My Thoughts lately:

Grief is hard. It impacts every aspect of life, big and small. There are so many things grieving people experience. Things they do or don’t do (because of the outside world) might think are unusual or weird, but with grief, its perfectly normal. You aren’t weird, you’re grieving!

Just remember, you aren’t along in this walk. Feeling alone makes grief even harder than it already is. Truthfully, no matter what you do, say or how you act, I think you’ll always feel alone.

The reality of grief is far different from what others see on the outside. What you didn’t see yesterday was me sitting on the floor of the cycle room after I taught, crying my eyes out for the next 30 minutes. What you didn’t see was me falling to my knees while doing the dishes. What you didn’t see were the tears streaming down my face as I talked to my Dad about all things Christmas (decor, shopping for the kids, etc.).

The first weeks/ months after someone you love dies, are a world unto their own. Your usual survival tactics wont work. Word of intended comfort just grate. Encouragement from others doesn’t feel good.

Companionship with people who truly understand what its like to live this life-after-death can make things “better”, even when it can’t be made right.

If you are someone who hasn’t walked in my shoes and don’t know what to say or do… just ASK!! Ask me the questions. You have a supporting role in my grief. My loss can not be fixed, repaired or solved, so please do not feel like that is what you need to do for me. Instead, ask! Ask how I’m doing today. Ask what this is like; ask before assuming.  I don’t want to be “the elephant in the room”, I don’t want you to not talk to me in fear of bringing up my Mom. Please, please bring her up. Please tell me stories. Please fill my heart.

If you're worried it will be awkward, it probably will be. And, that’s OK! But silence is worse. Its lonely. Be there for your family and friends. Its OK to not have the words, and its OK that you can’t “fix” them. This is something the world needs to understand… YOU CAN NOT FIX GRIEF!!!!! You can not fix your friend, sister, father, mother, husband, or wife. This new life is their journey. A very painful and powerful journey. It’s a personal experience.

I’ve had people tell me that I am authentic in my grief. I am very aware of my feelings. This is just how I seem to be dealing with the loss of my Mom. Telling the truth allows me to relax. It helps me return to a safe place. Anxiety has showed its ugly head on my journey. I've tried thinking positive thoughts, diving more into the Word, journaling and reminding myself of all the goodness around me. I have acknowledged the anxiety. I will never pretend I don’t feel it. Some days are better than others. Some days are a total crap shoot.

There is no time limit on grief. NONE. Grief lasts as long as love lasts. I vividly remember talking to Mom at the end of July on the phone. I could tell something was “off”. Her voice was different. I asked if she was feeling OK. Wondering if she was feeling bad from the chemo. She told me” Today is 30 years! 30 years since I last saw or spoke to Gigi (her Mom). It didn’t hit me until Mom passed that I realized she was 38 when her Mom passed. That’s one year older than me.

This road isn’t easy. None of it is. And yet, here I am. Hoping that one day my mess will be my message.  Learning to lean on Him more. Trust in his word. Knowing that something better is coming. I will climb out if this valley one day. Just one foot in front of the other.
Be Still.